My new life!

So its been about a month now that I moved out of home and this has kind of become my diary. There is really no one around who is reading this besides me, but I like thinking that I might stumble upon this one day and than remember those times, hopefully with a smile on my face.

So far things have been going pretty nicely. I still like my job and I am getting paid more than I thought, so I don’t have any money problems!! (God provides, I just simple have to trust him…!!!)

I still don’t know where to go afterwards and I hate it that people like the children allowance/benefit office make me think about it way more often than I wan’t. I also hate myself for wanting to stay here b/c I don’t want to stay here. I know this sounds kind of weird but part of me is living here and liking it and the other part is not really living here and waiting to get to America, my true home.

I still can’t get that boy out of my head that was my first kiss and my first a-hole experience concerning boys and I hate it that I have to think about him so often.

I am getting along pretty awesome with my flatmate. He is way cooler and nicer than I thought even so he sometimes sees the world a little to negative and is sometimes just a little to stressed out.

I have this new picutre, well not new, it’s been there for a while now, where I want to be in like 20 years or so. I want to have a kid, not my kid, but a kid with my girlfriend who I am married too and we are living in a nice little house. I think I am going nuts or something ;)!! Maybe being around a couple that is happily in love isn’t really good for me. 

I am going home this weekend and I am looking forward to see what has changed so far, because there are a few things!

I want to do more sports because I am gaining alot of weight lately, mainly b/c I eat alot. I googled it (what else?! ;) ) and I think I am doing this because I feel alone and don’t get enough physical and emotional attention as I want to.

So, yeah, this sums up my first month here. I hope it will go on so nicely and I hope that by next month I’ll have a plan of what to do next in my live, where to go after this?

I hate it when I can’t see where I am going in life. I wish life would be a straight street where you can see what will happen next. But of course it isn’t and the only one who sees what happens next is God. And I guess that is good but I have never ever felt so completely unsure what will happen next in my life.

I always had a something there in the distant future. In the past it has always been graduation from some school. I didn’t think much further and didn’t want to think much further. But now I am here, I am done with school, I have a job that will only last until Janurary 31 and then what?

I have one college I can apply to, changes I get it are close to 0. I do want to move away but at the same time I do not want to move away.

Today there came a random thought to me, while I was in training and we were planning another show in September 2011, why not stay here? Why not wait until Winter semester and than study? Why not?

Why not try to find another job? Maybe you can stay in the same job?

Now I can only think, will I be that girl, that always lives from one job to another, always hoping that sometime, something will happen that will make her life better?

I wish I could have a glimpse of my future, just a little something. I wish I could trust God that everything will be all right. Where will I go? Where will I go from here? Where will I be in 6 months from now? A year from now?

I want answers and I know I won’t get any. I need an off switch for my brain and enjoy my life.

I have been thinking of going out sometimes. Maybe going to a bar. I hate going to bars. I don’t connect with strangers. But I hate sitting here alone, every evening, everytime I have free time, I am home, alone, reading, watching TV.

Where will this lead me?

Yeah, my life is not really that different from my old life. Except tha I go to work instate of school now. But besides that I still spent most of my free time on the computer, reading or watching TV.

Well, yeah, now I have to go shopping and make sure that I still have enough money, but’s that pretty much it.

I don’t, I always expected living on my own to be more complicated but also to be more exciting. I guess I expect to much from life sometimes.

I hoped that moving in with my best friend, or better, with her boyfriend might bring us closer together again but I was wrong. Boyfriends ruin friendships, forever.

borntobebitch:

1 - When you start thinking in…english.

2 - When you are talking with someone and in the middle of a sentence you say at least one word in…english.

3 - When you say “hello”,”oh my god”,”wtf”, “jesus christ”,”no way” in english instead of in your own language.

4 - When you write in english most of the time instead of in your own language (tumblr, I’m looking at you).

5 - When you have weird thoughts of wishing you were english or wishing you lived in England or USA.

Yeah, that is so completely and totally me!

(Source: m--tyrell)

So, I would like to be one of those people that goes around in life without caring about money. But living on my own and earning my own money I realize that this does only work if you are in highschool and your parents pay for your everything.

It doesn’t work as soon as you move out and have your own job. I have to plan everything. I have been planning on baking something for a friends birthday that is coming up, which usually isn’t a problem since I love baking. But now I started to check all my recipes and the only thing I can think about is: ‘Can I afford all the ingredients and still get enough food to survive this month?’ This kind of sucks!